cheerleading (or not)

Jealousy is a weird thing. I still, almost three years out from weight loss surgery – looking and feeling better than ever before, squeezing all the happiness I can out of my days, don’t think anyone is jealous of me. Why would they be?

I mean it was a lot of effort and hard work, but really anyone could it. If they wanted to. The effort you would expend being jealous could totally propel you toward success.

One of my best friends thinks otherwise. Some acquaintances of ours seem disinterested in my progress or success; my new attitude even. To the point they have avoided, the best they can, seeing any photos of me since my weight loss. More so since my abdominoplasty I had last year. If they see them, they certainly don’t comment or applaud me (not saying I need that validation at all, just aware). This has nothing to do with me so I don’t have much feeling on the subject – I think about it, then it passes; other people’s perception of me isn’t really my problem. Some of them are fat, but I don’t think that’s what it is either. I think that the things I don’t have; husband/wife, kids, house, traditional career – things that may make me seem, in their eyes as a failure of sorts. Or a kid, or just beneath them. I don’t care about that stuff on my end either. Everybody gets one life, and they get to live it how they see fit.

Live and let live and keep moving in the way that makes you happy.

Ohhhhh that’s what it is? How can I be happy? How can I not have all the things that you’re “supposed” to have in life and still be happy? While others have them all and maybe aren’t happy? They’re called priorities and everyone’s are different and that’s okay.

Well, it’s okay with me.

It’s not all cutting people out of your life though, honest. There have been plenty of people who I have seen in different support groups and social media communities who have had break ups [friends + intimate] and divorces and it seems like the underlying issue was not even related to weight.

My relationship has continued on in an upward swing with positive momentum. I mean, there weren’t issues before, and there aren’t any now. Yea, sometimes one of us annoys the other, doesn’t take the garbage out when we say we will or just acts like a little shit … but I never attribute that to me being less or more fat at any juncture.

He hasn’t ever, to my knowledge felt worried that I would change my mind about him or leave him based on my weight gain or loss. I’ll save you the people-who-are-truly-happy-in-their-relationship don’t let petty things like physical appearance or newly boosted confidence get in the way of that happiness.

It’s like you start to see things clearer, and it might seem like a bad or weird thing at the time but it’s not, it’s all part of the eye opening journey to your best self.

Seriously, the first time I was publicly “hit on” post-op I was beaming inside, I soaked it in, I reveled in it like a dog in a puddle. It was in a grocery store, and the guy in the butcher shop section helped me and then FOLLOWED me to the very last aisle to tell me about my smile, and how said smile made his day. I was standing next to another lady and when he walked away I was so stunned I asked her if it really happened! He followed me a few more aisles and I caught him doing a sort of pace thing, and I was pretty sure he was going to ask for my number and I panicked. All I could think about was how much courage that kind of thing takes and how I would have to reject him, so I sprinted to the checkout with what was in my arms and paid and headed to the car.

After surveying my purchase; a small steak, an onion, a bottle of iced tea and a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s I’d never heard of and was looking at the nutrition info on when he approached me and I forgot to put down – I got in the car and pulled out my phone. The first person I texted about this amazing flattering experience? Yea, my boyfriend. The only other person in the world who would have felt the same validation as me in this instance. He totally did.

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