I’m almost 44 years old and I am standing in my kitchen, on the phone with my mother, I am sobbing. My head firmly pressed against a cabinet, she asks what’s wrong. “I’m fucking tiiiiiiiiired” like a toddler short on naps, I bellow “I am so fucking tired of my life getting fucked up because of things that are out of my control” ….. she’s sympathetic and I feel almost guilty to say that to a woman who lost her husband after days of being told not to worry.
In September, which I honestly can’t believe is coming up on a year ago, my father died pretty unexpectedly. Had a little procedure on a Friday and did not wake up. Just like that. I lost my mind for a minute, I made a lot of comments about hurling myself off the roof of a building, I drank tequila out of the bottle in my underwear. I cried, I yelled, I wanted to trade people around me for him. I went back to therapy. I grieved (still do) and worked on healing (still am) …. I crawled out of that dark place, faced the weight gain from what I referred to as my ‘dead dad depression’, I refilled the Xanax and I took a lot, and I mean A LOT of deep breaths …. I finally started feeling like I might feel good again. I felt almost whole and was excited for the next step in my career which was a promotion and my independent licensure …. should be happening in May or June.
March came first though, and that’s when I saw a text message that I shouldn’t have seen.
I was unplugging my then boyfriend’s phone, well, boyfriend sounds like a small word, he wasn’t just some boyfriend, he had been my partner, and what I thought was my greatest love, for 13 years. Anyway, I’m unplugging his charging phone to plug in the toaster as part of a breakfast feast I’m making us when I see the text not meant for my eyes. It wasn’t anything earth shattering, but scandalous for sure. There was crying and talking and arguing and tequila out of the bottle and crying phone calls to my mom and brother and friends from the car, from the porch. There were weeks of rehashing, text messages during work hours, badgering during home hours … that turned into months … and eventually we broke up … and I was, devastated. My heart was shattered and now all the dead dad depression was resurfacing, too.
Hey, at least it was June, something good would be coming.
My licensure application was approved and I was officially an LMHC in mid-June, which also meant I would be promoted at work and given a pretty hefty raise. Someone who had to authorize that was on vacation though, maybe next week. Oh wait, not that week either, actually nobody will be around can you do this and that, too? We hit July and the program where I worked felt less stable than it ever had in the two years I was there. I was witnessing behaviors that shouldn’t be, I had my name put on a report that was inaccurate, I was concerned about the safety and security of the clients, of my licensure that I had worked so hard to earn. My concerns were brushed off, seen as negative and while I loved my job I had to shine a light on the problems before clients fell through the cracks. Resignation.
They say bad things happen in threes:
Three grand events.
Try fucked up.